Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
