1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
