I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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