just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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