I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
