Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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