I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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