How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize