I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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