how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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