Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
