mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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