she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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