1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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