Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
