I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
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i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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