I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
