The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
