Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
