I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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