Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
