just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
