sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
