woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
