im about as happy as oj after his trial
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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