how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
