i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize