I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
