Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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