i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
