sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
