My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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