I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
