What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
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You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize