I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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