it's too hot outside to masturbate.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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