I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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