I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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