boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
