it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
