If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
