I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
