The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
