woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
