theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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