flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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