why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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