I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I can't turn off my feet"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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