I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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