Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
