I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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