Got a toothbrush?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
