just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
