Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
