Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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